


Turnabout (and also patent leather shoes)

by orphan_account



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Fluff and Crack, I Don't Even Know, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-15
Updated: 2013-01-15
Packaged: 2017-11-25 15:06:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/640136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All Remus wants to do is write his Charm's essay, but alas there are shoes to avenge and people to judge in a prefectly manner.<br/>(also, homoerotic wrestling!)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Turnabout (and also patent leather shoes)

**Author's Note:**

> It should be noted that there is no pride in this fic, only shame. The only reason it's still here in all it's patchwork monstrosity is because I have been informed that there are about three people out there in the internet world who read it and laugh. I'm so sorry to everyone else.
> 
> Crack. Almost pure crack. I apologise, really, I do.

“Honestly Peter, could you _be_ any more of a moron?!”

“W-well I just-"

“ _Just_ what, _Just_ forgot to pack your _brain_ when you left for potions this morning?”

“No! I just meant that I-

“That what, that you didn’t think you’d need it what with your new preoccupation with Carly Sayers rack? Oh no! No need to engage brain there, just to engage cock”

“H-hey!”

“ _H-h-h-h-hey!”_ Sirius mocked.

Remus’ fingers twitched around his parchment as their voices rose in both volume and pitch. He was all the way across the bloody commons and he could hear them going at it. Remus sighed a long suffering sigh and set his mouth in a grim line. He’d have to do something about this.

_Bugger._

He looked down at his charms essay longingly. All he’d wanted was to curl up in this, his favourite arm chair by the fire and engage in his favourite past time- essay writing. But alas, when you have moronic gits for friends such fervent desires of the heart are but youthful flights of fancy.

He looked to James beseechingly who, last he’d been paying attention, had been by the fire (although he’d been in essay land in the hours since then so it was reasonable to assume he’d nipped off to have a wank by now). He found his estimations close, but not quite accurate. Seeing as he was far too preoccupied with Lily Evans’ tongue down his throat, Remus once again silently cursed his friends and turned away from the snogging couple with a scowl. At least that explained why he hadn’t intervened by now; lost in delusional fantasies about their horde of future children probably. He'd even _named_ them; Hubert or Harold or something equally mundane for the first sprog. Tosser.

With one last yearning look at his charms essay, he doubly refocussed his attentions on his friends who had moved past the point of verbal insults and had waded into the dubious territory of homoerotic wrestling. With a little lip quirk that was something of a signature for the young werewolf, Remus sauntered over to where Sirius had just managed to pin a squirming Peter to the floor by all dangerous limbs save the flailing right arm that was currently flying towards the young Black’s face.

“ _Ow!”_ Sirius yelped as the slap connected with his face and screamed rather girlishly as Peter yanked his hair hard.

“Yeah, take that bitch! _Who’s the girly little ponce now!_ ” Peter laughed madly, face red and sweaty.

Remus grimaced and stepped lightly out of the way as they rolled towards him on the floor. Staring down at them with something that looked a bit like pity, he cleared his throat. They continued to roll around on the floor, slaps being exchanged and massive gobs of spittle flying through the air as they hurled insult after terrible insult at each other. They obviously could not hear him over the sound of their own girly screeching.

Remus wondered if he should even bother.

Perhaps he should just take his charms homework to the library to finish it. He gazed wistfully towards the other side of the room where it sat waiting, delicious and begging to be written on. He was just about to give into glorious temptation when he felt something hit his shoe. Curious, he looked down and immediately wished he hadn’t. There, dripping and oozing from his newly polished black patent leather school shoes- his best pair mind you- were two massive gobs of boy spit.

The horror the poor boy felt could not possibly be explained in words. The English language lacked the requisite words to even _encompass_ the sheer _amount_ of horror he felt.

The boys responsible for said boy spit continued to roll around on the floor, pulling each other’s hair and screaming like little girls; oblivious to the gathering storm that was Remus Lupin with soiled shoes.  

He allowed himself exactly five seconds of silence to gather his wits before he pounced.

When most boys decided to get revenge the desire was stewed in for a day or two (or a couple of hours at least), before fists went flying or a particularly nasty jinx or hex was delivered. Remus however, was not most boys. He neither desired to lower himself to the level of _physical violence_ nor did he wish for a jinx to take away the unadulterated pleasure he would take in exacting his revenge. He was also very smart and therefore only needed the allotted five seconds to take in the situation, stew in his indignant rage and formulate a plan to suitably _humiliate_ both boys.

Stepping deliberately in front of the two boys who were on their sides with hands in each other’s faces pushing and tugging on anything they could reach in the general vicinity- Remus spoke.

“Can I join?”

They both froze, Sirius looked up towards the stone faced prefect and saw his expression. He didn't dare say a word.

Peter was not so smart, “What Moony?”

Remus took great pleasure in feigning enthusiasm in his response, “Well I’m glad you asked _Peter_ and _Sirius_ , why in your glorious release of _unresolved sexual tension_ of course!”

He said the last part loudly enough that he was sure everyone in Gryffindor tower must have heard and he smirked in gratification when heard thumps of feet making their way down the stair case and even James made a brief reappearance from down the rabbit hole- a startled “ _what?!?_ “ before Lily had him pinned to the coach again.

Peter spluttered loudly, more red faced than before and Sirius merely groaned and dropped his head into his arm.

“We’re not!” Peter said indignantly, looking around at the people who had gathered at the stair case snickering into their hands; obviously wondering why the two boys were red faced and lying all over each other. Drawing their own conclusions too.

Remus felt a dark curl of satisfaction in his belly as he took in the swelling crowd. His smirk widened, “Oh no need to be _bashful_ Pete, you and Sirius have been dancing around each other for _years_ and the way you were rolling around on the floor before and pulling each other’s hair- _totally hot”_

Peter actually seemed incapable of forming words and Remus continued, grinning like the cat that got the cream.

Sirius, now seemingly having gained enough composure to face the outside world, raised his head to scowl at the prefect, “We were fighting Rem, _screaming_ ”

Remus studied his nails, “Hm, Oh yes I saw! Right display of masculinity that one- I’ve always known you wanted Peter pinned beneath you and _screaming_ Sirius”

Sirius balked- actually choking on his own spittle.

Remus thought there was a no more fitting punishment after what he did to his poor shoes.

Loud guffaws echoed around the room and by this time and even James and Lily stood by watching the scene unfold with twin Cheshire grins.

Remus had never seen either of the marauders redder in the face and he had to bite back a grin when Peter tried to tell the crowd- through his hyperventilation- that he and Sirius were “ _just not like that!”_

Sirius was glaring at him murderously and Peter, having failed to persuade the gathering crowd to believe that he was _not_ engaging in carnal relations with Sirius Black, was muttering into his hand about evil werewolves and something about being sorry for not believing his mum about ‘dark creatures’.

Remus cleared his throat and ears perked up all around the room. Now, for the final nail in their tiny gay coffin, “Come now Sirius, there is no use denying it! I saw you in potions, gazing off wistfully towards Peter’s desk, undoubtedly wishing to be ravishing him in the potions cupboard!”

Lily snorted loudly with laughter, leaning against an equally amused James; both of whom were struggling to stay standing with their mirth; much like the majority of Gryffindor tower. Peter glared at them for their perceived betrayal, but Sirius only looked at him strangely.

Remus fought down a feeling of unease at the expression. It was time for the grand finale.

“Isn’t it time you stopped living in denial and…” he paused for dramatic effect and there was a baited silence around the room, “admit the truth?”

There were murmurs and snickers of agreement- even a few cat calls and lewd gestures- before Sirius stood up. His eyes (to Remus’ complete surprise and definitely not baseless trepidation) were welling with fake tears.

Remus froze. This was not part of the plan.

“Oh all right!” Sirius cried dramatically, biting his knuckle and gazing off into the distance. Remus swore a couple of third years _swooned._ He took the appropriate time to glare at them disapprovingly of course,“You want me to admit it then fine!”

He had a bad feeling about this.

Suddenly Sirius lurched forward and grabbed Remus by his tie and pulled him forward until he was right up against the other Gryffindor. Remus flushed. _Oh no._

 _Oh yes!_ Sirius’ eyes promised, alive with mirth, “You’re forgetting who sits next to Peter in potions dear Remus and whose virtue I was so dutifully defending against his barbed tongue. For it is not him I gaze at, nor him I want to roll around of the floor with…” he trailed off and Remus thought he might die from the embarrassment. Nothing could be worse than this.

As it turned out, he was wrong.

In the space of time it took for the entire Gryffindor collective to draw a single startled breath and for Lily, James and a vengeful Peter to widen their eyes comically, Sirius had slipped an arm around his waist, hoisted him up against him until they were but a breath apart and said, “Nor is it he who I want _screaming_ beneath me,” Remus flushed with heat and he bit back a surprised groan, “It is you!”

The entire tower burst into loud guffaws of laughter. People fell down stairs, over chairs, into each other and onto the floor in their mirth. One particularly memorable instance had James Potter laugh so hard he choked on air and had to have a startled Peter Pettigrew (still in shock after his recent brush with death via mortification), the only one not laughing, perform the Heimlich manoeuvre to resuscitate him.

But Sirius wasn’t finished and suddenly he dipped the startled Remus, winked at him and kissed him full on the mouth, tongue and all. The common room was plunged into silence and there was what seemed to be a collective gasp. Remus froze and his own startled gasp allowed Sirius to tongue his mouth with gusto. Remus should _not_ have appreciated it as much as he did. After many long, lingering moments of hearty frenching which Remus would _love_ to say he did not reciprocate, Sirius wrenched him back upwards.

Still in character obviously Sirius cupped his cheek, eyes reverent, and exclaimed, “Come dear Remus to the sofa where we shall continue snogging with a gusto demanded of our budding love!”

Taking a stunned Remus by the hand he pulled him along like a puppet with strings cut. Sirius then proceeded to sit him down and pat his head in a manner that said: _“oh aren’t you just too cute?”_ , sling an arm around his back and rest his head on his shoulder. Remus blinked, completely unresponsive; still rather caught up in it all.

What in the name of merlin’s stripy pink pantaloons just happened?

After god knows how long Remus became aware that people were trying to talk to him. He blinked out of his haze, “What?”

He felt more than a little stupid when James and Lily looked at him like it caused them great physical pain not to laugh. He felt slightly mollified when Sirius looked quite distraught, “Guys!” He hissed, shaking his shaggy hair out of his eyes, “Don’t laugh! I think I _broke_ him”

Huh. He’d obviously been out longer than he thought.

Remus blinked and thankfully had the presence of mind to look at him reproachfully. Sirius flushed. For some reason this only made James and Lily turn red and snicker louder.

“You kissed me”, Remus blurted out, unable to contain the words. He ignored James and Lily who were now so red they were rivalling a baboon’s arse.

“Yes”, Sirius said, face… serious.

“You spat on my shoes, I wanted revenge and you kissed me”

“What?” he asked, cocking his head to look at Remus’ shoes, “Oh. I see. Yes, that kind of thing would annoy you”

“That kind of thing would annoy anyone!”

“No, just you”

The werewolf scowled at him and Sirius smirked playfully, “You liked snogging me”

The way he said it was teasing and Remus floundered, “Did not!”

“Did too!”

“Did not!”

“Did too!”

“Did not!”

“Did too! You _moaned_ ”

“No I most _certainly_ did not!”

_“Oh yes you did!”_

“ _No. I._ _didn’t!_ ”

Lily and James exchanged conspiratorial glances and watched fondly as Sirius tackled Remus to the floor and shoved his tongue down his throat once more with a decisive- _“Yes you did and you’ll DO IT AGAIN!”_

James walked over to Remus’ favourite armchair and flicked his wand over his friends study materials and watched as they stacked themselves neatly and packed themselves away. Grabbing his stuff, he and Lily turned to walk away from the scene that was becoming decisively _less_ innocent by the minute if their various noises were anything to go by. Thinking about the many months he’d had to watch them moon over each other in secret had James smiling at the recent development.

James steadfastly ignored the implications of being hit in the face with the shirt Remus had undoubtedly just liberated Sirius of.

He was contemplating turning around to return it, (because that’s what friend did, didn't they? Return friends shirts when they’re lost in the heat of passionate snogging?) when he heard a rather horrific slurping sound and a long moan that made him blanch and pray, quite fruitlessly, that there was a handy dandy spell to bleach your own brain. He supposed this was some kind of cruel turnabout for all the times he and Lily made out on the sofa. James groaned; things couldn’t get any worse.

“ _Holy fuck Remus! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?!”_

Fuck turnabout.

Seriously, fuck it.

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Once again, very intentional CRACK.  
> I had just finished reading Douglas Adams when I wrote this and it is the brain child of the Hitchhiker's Guide and the Prisoner of Azkaban obsession I had going on at the time. Seriously, I found this fic ready to burst from my chest cavity like an alien baby. It needed to be written; there was no choice.  
> Please be kind to it, it can't help being a hideously deformed alien baby.
> 
> Written: November 2007.


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